trekwho: crisontumblr: … Her long hair, still...

Monday, March 12, 2012

crisontumblr:

… Her long hair, still wet from the shower, had been combed down her back in a wet swath. Hilda was sitting on the floor, her round, wet boobs still wet from the shower’s water. She dried off the water with a towel, which then became wet.
Hilda gasped when she saw a reflection in her bedroom mirror: through the slightly open door, she caught a glimpse of the chiseled abs and square jaw of the mysterious stranger who shared her cabin. She stood and spun around, her breasts swinging heavily with the momentum. She grabbed the door and flung it open, revealing shirtless Torolf (which was seriously his name) quivering with desire in the hallway.
Torolf was ashamed at being caught, but his shame made him even hotter – hotter for sex. He stepped into the room, and his bulging abs accidentally smushed into Hilda’s rich chest.
As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm.
“Hilda,” Torolf murmured thickly, his throbbing meat wand pressing against Hilda’s warm thighs. “There is a secret I need to not tell you: You are my forbidden desire.”
Hilda had been waiting to hear these words. Her heart was lifted on golden wings and soared toward a radiant sun of perfect joy. She saw herself and Torolf happy together, bathed in the golden light of love. Her snooch got all warm, too.
“Torolf,” Hilda moaned, her lush teats straining with desire. “I need you.”
Torolf, coarse abs pulsing softly in the moonlight, stood silently.
Hilda looked at him expectantly.
“Oh, sorry,” she added. “Torolf, I need you – sexually.”
At hearing those beautiful words, Torolf flexed his rough-hewn abs and Hilda found herself being guided to her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection. She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge.
Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.
Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and her hands. Her spongy love mountains hurled to and fro with each pounding. Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.
Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms as Hilda spasmed with so many orgasms!
The two lay still for a moment as the stinky scent of lovemaking billowed around the room.
Hilda got out of bed, still shimmering with orgasm. She glowed with contentment, like a cat who ate the cream of the crop.
She walked across the room and picked up her towel, still wet with shower water. “Torolf,” she said softly, “there’s something I have to tell you…”
But her bed was empty.
Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs.

I just. I. I have to list everything wrong about this.

The usage of “boobs” in descriptive text.

Where on his body are his “bulging abs” that they manage to “smush” her “rich chest”?

What the fuck are “buttermilk bosoms”?

“dick aneurysm”

“throbbing meat wand”

What the fuck is a “snooch”? I mean, I assume they’re talking about her snatch and maybe they wrote it the way they pronounce it?

WHY IS HIS MIDSECTION UNDULATING AND WHY IS IT POWERFUL ENOUGH TO LEAD HILDA TO THE BED? I’ve seen enough horror and sci-fi movies to know that if any part of the midsection is undulating, you should probably run because he’s about to give explosive, fatal birth to an alien baby.

The fuck is a “clunge”? And why do they seem to think it’s worthy of a floral metaphor? If you’re gonna refer to the southern swamp as a flower, stick with the stock stuff. Lilies, lotuses, etc.

“…entered her like she was a lottery.” This just reminds me of a Margaret Cho routine about the G-Spot.

“spongy love mountains”

“Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.”

“dick Parkinson’s” - Well, they get points for at least capitalizing Parkinson’s.

Ejaculate is not pearlescent. It’s never pearlescent. Unless I am watching porn that stars humanoid alien biological males engineered to shoot milky come…

And now you know why I hate “romance” novels. I’ve read sex scenes in fic better than this.

Of course, now I feel like I need to go write some porn just to show I can do it better.

You missed Liza’s dramatic reading of this