so here's the thing

Saturday, March 3, 2012

so here’s the thing

I like kink. Really, I do. Kink is fun, kink is neat, kink is just alright with me, etc, etc. However, I generally hate being in large groups of kinky people, mainly because about 90% of the self-described “kinksters” I’ve met are in at least one of the following three categories.

a) The Awkward Turtle. Close talkers, mumblers, mouth breathers, people who are either unable to make eye contact or unable to break it: there are a lot of kinky people who for whatever reason suffer from this. I feel for awkward folks, honestly, because I am one if I don’t watch myself. Social interaction is fucking scary and I have to work really really hard not to collapse in on myself and start shoegazing every time I go to a party. However, all the feels in the world will not make an awkward person any easier to talk to. Particularly if they insist on announcing THAT’S AWKWARD or SORRY I’M AWKWARD or THIS IS GETTING AWKWARD ISN’T IT. Yes, yes it is, and you just made it worse.

b) The Creepster. There’s always that one person, right? The one who shows up cruising in that very blatant, entitled, someone-better-do-me-or-I’m-gonna-be-SO-CROSS way? The one who takes a riding crop to the local McDonald’s to freak out the general public and zeroes in on the shyest, most visibly uncomfortable person at kink meets because they think they’ll get some easy ass? There are people like this everywhere, of course, because these people are cockheads and cockheads are a universal phenomenon as unfortunate as silverfish. Kink-adjacent creepsters just hike the recoil factor up a notch by carrying ostentatious weaponry and getting huffy when you don’t respond positively to their graphic laundry list of things they’d like to do to you.

c) The Kinkcyclopedia. A person who, upon meeting you briefly in a completely non-kink-related social situation, will start talking about nipple clamps and rape play and nothing else. Ever. Ever. This one would be understandable if we were meeting up for a munch or kink-related event, but seriously? Just because I see you in the mall and ask how you’re doing doesn’t mean I want to hear about the last time you got your balls stepped on. I’m sure you know a lot about kink, and I’m sure that’s very exciting for you, but can we talk about something else? It’s not even that these kind of topics make me uncomfortable- they don’t, as a general rule- it’s that having the same goddamn conversation every time I meet you gets. so. BORING.* Round out your interests, brah, and let’s talk about music or something.

I have met kinky people who fit none of these stereotypes, obviously, and they are grand people, would hang out again, etc. But seeing the same three basic types over and over in group settings is very tiresome.

* I understand that YMMV on this, but personally, I probably only care about the details of your sex life if you are a) me or b) the person I am currently having sex with. This isn’t to say that having sex or talking about sex is a bad thing by any means- have all the sex! talk about all the sex! seriously, good for you! Just don’t bother talking to me about it, because I will probably zone out due to a serious case of the Just Don’t Currs.**

** … now that I think about it, this may be the reason why Sex and the City failed so spectacularly to capture my interest. Aside from the fact that The Golden Girls did it better and had Bea Arthur.